I like to think of myself as agnostic, though I tell people that if I believe in anything, I believe in the forces of Chaos and Entropy. Yeah, I know that's kind of a try-hard thing to say at face value – more likely to come out of the mouth of an angsty teenager than a grown ass man. However, if you look at it from a scientific angle, it's obvious. A statement no different than saying "I believe in the force of gravity."
So what the fuck am I talking about?
Truthfully, I'm not sure I even know. I used to believe in destiny; how could I not with the fortuitous meeting of Ali? In the last seconds of double-overtime, somehow, magically, I meet the one person that can pull me back from the brink and revitalize me. And to a lesser extent, I did the same for her. Then everything went to shit, and I had to reevaluate everything I thought I knew about the nature of God, fate, and the universe itself.
After my mental and emotional systems had begun to come back online after Ali's death and I was capable of rational thought and a degree of existentialism, I formulated this opinion on things: there is a God, and his name is Chaos. A figurative grand being who weaves seemingly unrelated coincidences in a great orchestra of beautiful and terrible collisions. I began to see a kind of pattern form, and I came up with a few new theories of physics to fit this new paradigm. Two of these include "The Conservation of Suck" and the theory of "Parody Universe"; the latter of which I hope to discuss extensively in a later entry.
I realized that there was no sense to anything, it was just as the old adage said: "shit happens." But there was more to it than that. There was a kind of rhythm to the mayhem, coincidences that seemed too statistically improbable. I understand that humans are pattern-seeking creatures, and maybe that's all this was/is… It was almost like a video game algorithm that tries to achieve randomness but nevertheless, caters to certain variables.
Now, opposite to this idea of divine chaos is that of Entropy. The devil in my little theological play. Entropy is defined as a "lack of order or predictability; gradual decline into disorder," and that's basically how I see it. Decline. The idea that there is this inescapable, crushing force that is relentlessly creeping towards death, decay, destruction, and diffusion. Things can always get worse, and eventually, they will. The only question is the degree of the decline of your life. Your timeline will have peaks and valleys, but eventually, you will age, you will slow down, you will probably get sick, and you will die. The same for the people you love and the objects that you hold so dear in your waking life will break and eventually get discarded.
Much like in Christianity, it seems a little lopsided, doesn't it? I know God is ultimately supposed to triumph over the forces of evil, but if you actually look at the Bible, there are quite a few examples of the devil pulling one over on good old Jehovah-Yahweh. I'm looking at you, Job.
So what can one do to fight back against this kind of opponent? Not a damn thing. You can't fight it, it's the natural order of the universe. It's no more malicious to the vacuum of space, but it's just as deadly to a human being. I think all you can do to "fight" Entropy… Is to fight. Fight, but know that you will lose, and be at peace with that fact at some point in your life, in some place within.
I just realized that I have no idea what this has to do with writing at all. Hang on one second and let me bend this back around.
I suppose my secret weapon against my devil IS writing. Mine and Ali's book, specifically. I've stated before that the whole point of the thing is to give Ali a kind of immortality. Sure, it will probably be just a pinprick of light against the vast backdrop of sparkling human creativity, but it WILL exist. I would be lying if I said that obtaining the same immortality for myself wasn't at least a little bit appealing. Few people want to die, but even less want to be forgotten, and I'm no different.
So ride the wave of chaos, harness the glorious disaster that is this life. Take advantage of any situation where the universe throws you a softball, and fight against all those instances where it's out for your blood. I live by these words, although I freely admit that it's largely out of necessity. What the fuck else am I going to do?
Until next time, get in there and give 'em hell.